Is Putting Men on Child Support the Best Move?

I had the pleasure of listening to a podcast live this past weekend called “Is Putting Your Baby Daddy on Child Support the Best Move?” by a local content creator named Andrew. I saw the scheduled live on my Facebook feed and immediately became intrigued. I was prepared to disagree with the him on all points and thought his arguments would probably be frivolous. I was ready for him to be the stereotypical guy, with 5 children and 5 different mothers, bashing women, while failing to take responsibility for his part of the equation. What I found out was, not only did this brother have his very articulate, adult son as a co-host, but he had married his ex, the relationship fell apart . Generally speaking, the poster child for a guy being disgruntled by child support would be the typical guest on the Maury show–not a man who tried to marry his child’s mother. I admit, my thinking has been tainted by pop culture!

Although, I liked and agreed with a lot of what he had to say, I still fundamentally disagree with him on the answers to the burning and most relevant questions. What is/are the root cause(s), how do we educate the future generations to avoid this toxic cycle, and for those who are caught in the web…what should they do? Disagreement is actually ok with me, I am just glad people are talking about this.

I will step through some of his arguments and I will give my take at the end. This topic is weighty and should be discussed in a decent manner because the well being of children are involved. Admittedly, I am writing from the perspective of a married Christain mother and will warn people who could be extremely emotional about this topic that there might be triggers in this article and the linked podcast. Evaluate your emotional readiness to read or listen to any content that may cause you distress.

The Govenment Profits Financially off Child Support Money

Generally speaking, and where it makes sense I am against the government getting involved in people’s personal lives. I find it extremely problematic however I am not surprised if the government has then found a way to monetize broken families. I did a quick Google search and found this article called How California Makes Millions off of Child Support. The article starts off:

$18.4 billion.

That’s how much California parents owe in overdue child support payments, but a staggering $6.8 billion of that debt is due to the government, not families — the result of the Golden State keeping an unusually large portion of payments for itself. No other state in America takes a higher percentage of payments — and only one state charges a higher interest rate when parents don’t pay on time, the Salinas Californian’s Kate Cimini reports in a new series, “Intercepted,” for CalMatters’ California Divide project.

The result: The average noncustodial parent in California — usually the father, and disproportionately Black or Latino — makes less than $15,000 a year, but owes $39,000 to both their children and the government.

Another article called Understanding TANF Cost Recovery in the Child Support Program states the following

In all but a handful of states, child support orders account for the income of both parents. The amount of support payable every month is called “current support.” If a non-custodial parent falls behind in payments, the past due amount accrues as debt, often called “arrears.” Arrears may be owed to a family or the state depending upon whether the support was due during the TANF assistance period. More than 80 percent of program arrears are owed to families, while less than 20 percent are assigned and owed to states.

The Government Only Cares About the Money but not About the Time?

What?! I thought it was called CHILD SUPPORT! If the government wishes to step in and be the third wheel, why can’t it help with visitation too? It is already huge and printing money like crazy. Why not allocate some resources towards visitation arbitration? It is unfortunate because some people may not have the financial resources to go through the legal process to get visitation. I am not saying that men should not financially support their kids, I just pray that awareness of these issues would cause people to make different choices. It is possible to be civil and avoid needing to engage the government. At the heart of it the child is the most important part of this. They did not ask to be here. The collateral damage done to the child should be minimized by the adults in the situation.

The whole man is important in raising a well balanced, emotionally mature child. It really is not all about the money even though provision is important. I would challenge women who feel like the money trumps the role of father to ask yourself, what did you require of the man before you got involved with him? Were his finances questionable? Was his time inconsistent? Was he selfish? Was he unreasonable? Were there red flags about him? Generally speaking, post baby–expect the same. Having a child usually does not change a person. They bring joy but they can strain even healthiest relationships.

Mom Should Just Forget About Collecting

One of the suggestions from the podscast was that the woman “eat the cost of the child” because they decided to have a baby with a man who won’t care for them. I have seen some women do this. My own mother did for a good part of my childhood. I deeply respect her for not being spiteful and thinking more about my need to see my dad, than pushing a money agenda. Their relationship ended up being very cordial down the line. Ultimately she got more support as time went on. It was not forced.

People who are mentally strong enough to let it go may be freed from the drama of constantly chasing dad around. At the same time, if she is struggling, if the break up was bad, perhaps she could be immature and spiteful, ‘letting go’ may not be a viable option. At the heart of it, the well being and needs of the child should come first. Not selfishness, passiveness, and/ or immaturity from the man. Not greed, spite, and/ or manipulation from the woman. Who is going to put the child first?

The Man Will Find Ways to Avoid Paying

This is probably a true statement. The government cannot regulate the heart of a man. A father who wishes to avoid paying will come up with some creative scheme to get out of it. Many will take under the table jobs, change their names, work under someone else’s social security number, form a LLC, move out of the country, or use some other measure to avoid paying. What can one do with a situation like this? Is going to court constantly healthy for everyone? Is being angry all of the time the solution? At some point it really might be mentally and spiritually beneficial to move on.

Let the Man be the Custodial Parent

If dad can offer the best situation for the child, then he should obviously be the custodial parent. In my observation, the courts generally will favor women. Ideally, mom should willing give the child to dad if that is what is best. It truly is an honor to see men fighting for their kids. I hope to see more! How valued and esteemed are the children of real men who battle against the odds for their rights to be present in their lives?

Men have Eliminated Themselves

It always amazes me how people can share the most intimate parts of themselves with each other–create a life TOGETHER, and then go to extreme measures to make one another’s lives miserable. As one friend of mine said about his child’s mother “she hates me more than she loves our child”. That is deep! Even in relationships where the outcome is a break up, there generally should be some compassion for the other party because of the child. I empathize with both parties because I can see how either parent could be in so much distress from dysfunction that they would take an extreme measure.

What is the Solution?

In short-Christ! His Word is the preventative measure. I would encourage the youth to get acquainted with him and his Word. It is not about not having sex, or rushing to marry someone so you won’t sin like a lot of cultural Christians would have you believe. Ya’ll know what I am talking about, that means to some desired end–churchyology stuff. It is more about recognizing him as the creator and sustainer of the universe (Genesis 1, Psalm 24, John 8:48-59, Col 1:16). The realization that he created us and the world to be perfect, but once sin entered, all of our problems as humans started (Genesis 1-11). Non-custodial parents being one! I think one of the first recorded child support payments was in Genesis 21:14 when Abraham sent Hagar away.

Putting our faith and trust in the Lord with obedience being one of the fruits will give us so much peace in this life even in its fallen state. Disobedience brings forth death my friends (Proverbs 14:12)! He gave us a remedy (John 3:16, Acts 16:30-34). I would absolutely advise people to abstain from sex outside of marriage but my motivation is not some desired outcome–avoid the need for child support. But because it is the desire of the Lord and I wish to follow him.

Truth, Christians divorce. We live in a fallen world and all people still sin (Christians included), which is why we should not chase outcomes. Generally speaking, the believers around me who have taken the proper time to get to know one another, have grown together, who allow the Word to mature them, and who would lay their lives down for others (Christ-like) do not have these sorts of outcomes. In a broken family situation, a true Christain woman may be drawn by the Holy Spirit to take care of the child alone, forgive the babydaddy, and give the government a quote from Psalm 118 “it is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in man, it is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in princes (child support, government)”.

The problem really is sin–hook up culture! This is true for all people but I really feel this being a black woman in America. Everything horrible is marketed to us. It either has to be overly sexual or it has to have formaldehyde in it!. Many people will say Christ is not the solution. They may bring up some rogue pimp pastor’s misdeeds (this has nothing to do with Christ by the way). Culture has suggestions on prevention. Let’s look at some of those.

Use Birth Control

Condoms, pills, IUDs, the shot, there are many options. They all have a failure rate associated with them. Culture wants to promote free sex which really turns into bondage (child support, mental health issues, physical health issues, fatherless children, financial problems) and then offer us a solution to the problem which usually makes their donors billions of dollars.

Abortion

If we are to be concerned about people eliminating themselves due financial distressed that child support can cause, then we should be concerned about innocent lives in the womb. Even for the most proabortion folks out there, how many is one willing to have / sponsor? Think about how traumatic abortions are even when using the pill. This is not a little thing that women get extracted like a cavity. You are ending a life! There is real emotional baggage for men and women after an abortion. This should not be taken lightly.

Be Careful About the Women You Choose

This advice is extremely arbitrary. How can you be careful outside of the context of looking for a wife to do life with? Recently, I visited a spa to get a manicure and pedicure. My nail tech was a lady Veitnamese. She filled my poor ears with stories of men who refused to marry Americanized Vietnamese women because they had been corrupted. What was their solution? Go to Vietnam to get a wife and bring her to the US. She said many of them got here and divorced as soon as they got their green card and an education. The problem here is these men are after some unrealistic outcome. In her words, they were after total obedience.

Most relationships that end up with a child support case had some red flags from the start. Usually, a sexual relationship was prioritized over marrying a person because of knowledge of that person, true love, respect, honor, and virtue.

So, Is Putting Men on Child Support the Best Move?

Separation is never ideal for the child. It takes people two to create the child; therefore, two people should raise the child together in the same home. The reality is that couples split, sometimes for valid reasons! An alternative to the child support system is for the adults to communicate and do their best to cooperate with one another.

Cooperation is not always possible. My advice for the believer is that the Lord will lead you, and where ever He takes you will be what is best for your child. To the Christain–be led by the Spirit. Prayerfully make your next move. If you feel that this [child support] is the only way, I do not believe there is no sin in it. If you are led to totally support your child-do that! If it is best for dad to be the custodial parent–as hard as this may be, submit to this! For the unbeliever, do what is best for your child no matter how hard the choice is. I believe that even if you do not believe–there is a still small voice that is telling you the correct thing to do. It also condems you when you do the wrong thing. Deep down inside you know being ratchet, difficult, controlling, and toxic is not the right way to go. It does not help the child. You can destroy your ex’s life but you are also destroying your child when you do that. You have to love your child more than you hate the father!